Why did he marry me in the first place? How could I have been so blind? How could I not know she was lesbian? So many questions plague straight spouses
when gay mates come out. It’s easy to
blame ourselves: What’s wrong with
me? Did I cause this chameleon to change
colors? In reality, the gay spouse
usually experiences an evolution of self-recognition that may take years, and
it has nothing to do with the marital partner.
Understanding gay partners' psychological process helps straight spouses feel less disoriented and better able to cope with unexpected and puzzling behaviors. Homosexual Identity Formation, a theoretical model developed by Dr. Vivienne Cass (1979), helps explain the long period of internal conflict preceding most gays' self-recognition. Cass's six-stage formulation clarifies their process and helps explain the surprise and shock of their straight mates.
The first stage of identity
confusion begins with the awareness of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors
that feel incongruent with heterosexual identity. It is marked by inner turmoil and alienation
while the person tries to resolve sexual confusion in isolation. Two outcomes are possible in this early
stage. Inhibition and denial may bring
closure to the issue, or continued stress from the incongruent homosexual
manifestations force the individual into the second stage of identity comparison.
This
second stage involves exploration of differences between the individual and
others. Social alienation and feeling
out of place—not belonging—are common. Not wanting to be “different,” the gay spouse usually continues to pass
as heterosexual. While some feel good
about their growing awareness of homosexuality, others react with denial, more
intense heterosexual behavior, or by becoming asexual. Many devalue themselves and fall into a
pattern of self-hatred that, in extreme forms, may lead to suicide.
Tensions
of that second stage often lead into a third phase, identity tolerance. Here,
individuals view themselves as probably gay and begin contacting the homosexual
subculture. This contact alleviates
their feelings of isolation and alienation from homosexuality and they begin to
detach emotionally from their heterosexual relationships. This is when their straight spouses feel
growing separation and emotional distance.
Any
negative experiences with other gays during this exploration may feed
self-hatred and a desire to end homosexual impulses. However, if the initial experiences feel positive,
greater self-esteem and a sense of empowerment may follow. As contact with the homosexual community
increases, anxiety over possible discovery intensifies, along with attraction
toward the forbidden.
In the
fourth stage of identity acceptance,
identification with other homosexuals increases. The person’s sexual identity may be
selectively disclosed to heterosexuals who can be trusted to keep the
secret. This is an ambivalent and
difficult stage, with the gay spouse managing to fit in with both homosexual
and straight culture. Inner conflict
between the emerging identity and society’s rejection may lead to the next
stage, identity pride.
This
more aggressive stance values homosexual culture and devalues heterosexual
norms. There is anger about societal
limitations. Deepening commitment to gay
life in this stage often results in changes of job, marriage, or home. Destructive, impulsive actions may be
expected, as well as constructive activism on gay issues, such as AIDS
prevention and treatment.
As
attitudes settle, positive acceptance from members of the heterosexual
community can lead to the final, sixth stage of identity synthesis. Anger
and pride may remain, but they are tempered as the gay person experiences
similarities to straight individuals and differences from other homosexual
individuals. The person has a broader perspective that integrates the gay identity as one among other
important aspects of the self, and personal and public identities
synthesize.
This
whole evolution of gay self-identification deeply impacts family. During the first stages of identity
confusion, and comparison, your
gay partner may be emotionally suppressed, distant, depressed, needy, or
alternating between neediness and emotional distance. In identity
tolerance and acceptance, your
partner becomes more confident, but also increasingly detached. Growing involvement with the gay community
means increased absence from home. Your mate’s
life is split between two worlds, putting you both in the closet.
In
the fifth stage, identity pride, expect dramatic, impulsive, abrupt
changes, as your partner shifts to the extreme of a gay lifestyle. You will probably experience rejection, but
it has little to do you personally. This
is not your fault.
If
the gay mate moves on to the final stage of identity synthesis, chances are that a
balanced, friendly relationship can eventually be salvaged. This is not a speedy process. A perplexed and conflicted individual may be
confused about sexual identity for years and may never experience all of these
stages. But Cass’s model helps to
clarify the theoretical journey and may help you understand your own history as
a straight spouse.
Awareness
of Cass’s six stage process can facilitate healing and peace of mind for all
involved. When a gay husband or lesbian
wife can be recognized as evolving through their own stages of self-awareness,
it is much easier to blame no one and to move more freely into a reconfigured future.
Does
this model fit your experience as a straight spouse? I’m interested in your journey and would
welcome your email. CG
Very interesting. Seems mostly true in my situation. I can't wait for the healing phase for all of our sake.
I believe that every stage in the process of recovery is a teacher. Some of the teachers are harsh! But each stage does pass, leaving us wiser and stronger. Healing is the graduation, the commencement into new life. Best wishes to you, Kori.
Carol Grever
It sounds reasonable to me... but I began to experience rejection in the early stages... our problem... my problem is that he has known for 15 years... he only began acting on it 4 years ago. He's just out of the identity tolerance and acceptance and into identity pride. I've only known about this for 6 months... I was totally unaware for any number of reasons. The kicker is... I'm almost 70... not sure either of us has time to play this out to that final stage.
Liz, apparently your mate struggled with his sexual identity for a long time before accepting it himself. Now that he has done so, your relationship may change radically, perhaps rapidly. Think about what you need to do to take care of yourself. This turn of events is not your fault, but it will impact your future. Try to be proactive to make it happier. Move forward. You needn't be a victim because he has accepted his own sexual identity. Be true to yourself!
So, what should I do if I KNOW my spouse is gay and he doesn't yet. I'm tired of the lack of respect and the emotional turmoil placed on me while he's in denial. I hate the idea of taking the fall for the failed 15-year marriage because he's not ready to face it.
Ive found out two months ago that my husband has been bisexual and a sex addict for 50 odd years he's 60 and i'm 50. We have been married for 29 years I feel so betrayed hurt and cheated, he has distroyed our family - he should never have married me and he now admits that he can't commit sexually to one person.
Mary, you have indeed been betrayed and your disappointment is understandable. Your husband has finally told you the truth and probably feels some freedom from that; your dilemma has just begun. Please read the other articles in this blog to see how other straight spouses have faced this crisis. Know that you're not alone and that you can survive it, as millions of other wives have done. Take care of yourself and plan what you'll do next. Find a good counselor or sounding board. Look toward your own best future, not back at things in the past that you can't change. Best wishes!
Carol Grever
I am a male going through this at the moment. i have always felt different and for what ever reason i have bonded well with females yet its the freindship i would miss with my partner. Anyone can ask me questions x
In response to Robin's comment, I would offer two thoughts: Are your partner's needs being met in your present situation? And, there is nothing preventing friendship with an ex after a split, if both people are kind and considerate through the separation. Though we had our difficulties during the separation process, my former gay mate and I have an enduring friendship to this day.
Carol Grever
Once again in our 39yr marriage that gave us 2 children and 4 beautiful grandchildren I have found out my husband has had anonymous sex with another man at a triple x bookstore. I stayed with him in the past as we went through months of counceling and he chose his life with me over that life. I had to leave to get perspective and am currently staying at my daughter's home. Neither of us can afford to live on our own and I am considering cohabitation as friends. He will always be my best friend and I will always love him but we will never be intimate again. What do you think?
Denise
This is a conundrum, Denise. Your husband's pattern of homosexual activity having been established, it is good to give yourself time to examine your options by retreating to your daughter's home. Living with your husband as friends might work, though emotional ties and memories of past intimacy are likely to become painful. My gay husband and I lived together for more than two years after he came out to me (for both financial and business reasons. We were both in the closet while trying to sell our business.) While it made him very happy to have our marriage as cover for his secret, I was overwhelmed by confusing emotions. Having one foot in my old marriage and one foot on the doorstep was unbearable--for me. I felt less pressure after we quietly separated. If your concerns are entirely financial, consider maintaining your friendship with your husband, but find another friend to share quarters. In the long run, I believe you'll heal your hurts more quickly and be better able to reconfigure your future. Of course, everyone's situation is different, and a few couples manage to remain together as you've described. I did want to share my own experience, hoping a different perspective might be useful. I wish you well as you sort through this difficult decision.
Carol Grever
I am a little confused and perhaps have not read enough of the posted comments. However, every comment that was posted dealt with the husband being the gay spouse and the betrayal to the wife and family. In every single case it seems to end in seperation or divorce.
I would be very interested in finding a few senarios where the wife was the gay partner. I am wondering if the husband in these cases would be as quick to seperate or divorce. I would like to see those cases commented on.