“Stages of Recovery” is one of the most frequently visited articles on this site, particularly by those who have recently discovered their mates’ homosexuality. They are desperate to know how long their shock and pain will last and when they might hope to recover their emotional balance.
Following the description of typical stages of recovery for straight spouses, there are numerous comments from others who have visited the site. Their authentic experiences graphically depict varied aspects of this ordeal. The most recent comment from "Helen" is worth repeating here because it reveals the genuine possibility of restoration. Helen successfully reconfigured her life with courage and patience. She has reached her goal of renewed happiness, stronger and wiser now. Here is her story.
I'd like to respond to Trisha, because so much of her story sounds so familiar to me. I, too, stumbled upon my ex's sexual preferences on the computer. He never planned to tell me about it--ever. In fact, he is still somewhat resentful that I ended the marriage because he was willing to continue to live the lie he had created.
I feel for you, Trisha, and the pain you must be feeling right now. I remember so clearly the agony of realizing that my family and my future was a mirage. My ex didn't want anyone to find out he was gay for a while after I knew, and that was tough for me. It is no longer a secret now, thankfully. Being able to share that secret is an important step in healing, and it is one I hope you take very soon. Just because he doesn't want to share the news with the world doesn't mean you can't talk about it with people who love and support you.
Perhaps it will help you to see the other side of all of this. A little over a year and a half has gone by since I discovered my ex's homosexuality and he finally admitted it. I can honestly say I am happy now. I spent over a year on my own with my girls, building a life. I bought a house of my own. I struggled with all the emotions of a broken relationship. I mourned the death of my marriage. I grieved over the man I thought I had married, my 'best friend'. I questioned myself for getting into the relationship without realizing he was gay. I got angry about the years I had lost and the love I didn't have. I cried. I laughed. I gained and lost weight! I turned 40. I leaned on my good friends and my family. I spent a lot of time alone. By the end of that time, I felt strong and beautiful. I knew who I was more than I had in a long time. I know that I am whole again.
It is a struggle, there is no doubt, but the struggle is so important. I don't know if this will help in the darkest moments, but it will get easier. So much of what your husband is doing probably makes this seem like it is all about HIM, but this is your life, and it needs to be about you! You need to take care of yourself and your children! . . .
I wish you the very best in your journey, Trisha. Just know there are people out here who understand and who are rooting for you. I can relate so well. I am glad you shared your story, and that you are reaching out. This wonderful website is a great place for support. Hang in there and know that you are strong enough to get through this--and remember that you are not alone!
There is little to add to Helen’s description of her process. She went through all the typical stages of recovery and emerged whole, healthy, and happy. It can be done, as she and others have proven. May all who read this achieve similar success.
Dear Carol & Helen:
Thank you for your story and giving me hope. Im still not there. Im trying hard not to get hate in my heart, and trying to forgive. But, Im just having a hard time getting past this crazyness I call my life. Im not sure how I should be acting.. People say he isnt worth your thoughts or your tears. He went three months without seeing the children and now he has decided to be part of their life again.. He took them out the other day and my daughter said he had a wedding band on his wedding ring finger.. she looked at it and when he saw her looking at it he took it off and placed it in the ash tray. She asked me what does that mean Mom he is engaged to someone or seeing someone. I of course couldnt respond. Not sure what to tell her, and the pain I felt in my heart was crazy. We are still in therapy - I go weekly however, Im not sure if it is helping. I think it would be helpful if he would just come out. I feel like Im still living his lie. I know this post says the word "I" alot however, I just need some guidance.. I keep searching for a way to feel happiness again - he sent me a text message last week that said "I dont know if I ever said it and really meant it but Im sorry"! I wanted to text back and say sorry for what - for cheating on me, for making me feel as if my life was a "lie", for not working or helping to support our children, for inviting strangers into our Godly home, for sending me horid text messages about me being controlling and telling me to go back to church and pray,for telling your family I was a bad wife - who didnt take good care of you, instead of the truth. Or for moving in with your partner who is a Criminal Sexual Offender - and not having a safe place for our children to even visit.. I dont have a normal divorce, my children cant see their father at his home ever because of who he lives with... I wanted to pick up the phone and say...WHAT ARE YOU SORRY FOR!!!!! DISTROYING MY LIFE... AND then later in the week he has the nerve to call about a dr's appt. for our son and say I lost the dr's card - do you have his phone number HONEY!!! I couldnt even speak.. My counselor doesnt understand why I cant be mean to him... and I cant understand it either... I need to move on.. but, Im stuck... The truth will set you free - such a great quote... but, its just not happening!!! Any comments would be appreciated... I want to be strong like you Helen... I just dont know how...
I feel so sorry that I didn't see your note until now, Trisha! I just happened to see that there was a comment when I re-read the post, and it was from you... I would have responded sooner had I realized.
Please know that I am not always strong - even now. There are days when I feel like I can conquer the world, but there are dark and dreary days, too. I was driving in my car just the other day and I burst into tears at the thought of how my life has been turned upside down. I felt sad and alone at a time in my life when I thought I would be surrounded by love and family. That doesn't happen nearly as often as it used to, but it still happens...
I think I know just what you mean about not wanting to be mean - I have felt the same way since my separation and divorce. I spent too many years trying to be supportive of my ex-husband - I can't be cruel now. I can stand up for myself, however, and that is different to me. I have drawn very clear boundaries with my ex-husband. To tell you the truth, I was truly surprised that those boundaries needed to be drawn, but they did. We need to be very clear in our separate lives. And so, I have drawn the lines and I will continue to do so.
Like yours, my ex-husband has apologized, but not very specifically either. There have been many times when I have wondered if he will ever understand how deeply he has hurt me and in how many ways. Early on, I tried to get him to understand what I was feeling, but to avail. Ultimately, I think I had to make peace with the fact that that wasn't what was most important to me. He isn't mine anymore. He isn't my lover. He isn't my partner. He isn't my problem to fix. Likewise, I am not his. When I realized that, I stopped caring so much about what he realized and how deeply, and how sorry he was and for what - and I began to pay more attention to my own journey. I am truly only responsible for myself and my children... I still have to face issues with him involving our children, but he and I are not going to heal one another. We are no longer a couple. As sad as that has been to accept, it is awfully liberating once the acceptance is there.
I hope to be able to write a story one day with the happiest of endings, one in which my ex-husband and I can become true friends. Right now, however, I need to be independent. I need to be strong on my own and with and for my children. He is terribly unstable and floundering as he searches to find a balance in the new life he is building for himself. I wish him the best in that, but I cannot be his support-system right now, nor do I want to be. It is hard to watch, but it is his journey now, not mine.
As for happiness, I think the secret I finally discovered was that my happiness lies inside of me. It didn't have anything to do with him. Once all the wreckage had settled, I had some choices to make. I could cling to the wreckage and go down with the ship, or I could start swimming for the shore. I think your strength builds when you begin to swim away from the wreckage, Trisha, and toward the wonderful new life that awaits you. Yes, he lied. Yes, he was wrong. No, you didn't deserve any of it... But now you need to swim for your life, and you need to know that you can do it! It is going to be okay - but not because he is ever going to apologize enough or make it right for you. It is going to be okay because you make it okay.
And looking back at that wreck and having a good cry every now and then doensn't make you weak... It can remind you how far you've come and how strong you are. We can all get through this. None of us wants to, but we can! And, Trisha, YOU can, too!!
Hang in there, Thrisha - and keep swimming...
Helen, once again you have spoken with the wisdom born of experience. Your metaphor of "swimming away from the wreckage" is apt. Healing is possible when we reach the understanding that we are responsible for our own happiness, not dependent upon anyone else to deliver it. Your strength and independence are a model for recovery from the straight spouse experience. I'm so glad that you added your advice to this site!
Carol Grever
I can definitely understand the pain that you are going through. My now ex-husband came out 8 years ago and it turned my life upside down. I still have times when I will be in the car and a song will come on that reminds me of the life we had before he came out, and I will cry. I have gone through different stages in my life during these 8 years. It took all these stages for me to finally start to find myself. I went back to college and graduated top of my class and I am continuing to further my education. I am finding the things that make me happy. I still have times when I wish I could go back to my life before he came out, but than reality hits and I know I can no longer go back to that. I have not been able to find it within myself to forgive him because I still feel like he "used" me to hide who he was. But I have found the strength to move on. To better myself as a person. My goal is to be a role model for my children and to show them that you can move on. Try to find something within yourself to help you move on. Think of something that you have always wanted to do and do it. I always wanted to get a college education but never felt I could while I was married, now I have achieved that goal and I am continuing with it. It may a small thing that you may want to do but the small things lead to bigger things. When you look back at what you accomplished you can say to yourself that "I" did that. It does make you feel a little bit stronger. Good luck!
Thank you, Ann, for adding your inspiring story to this post. You have come a long way on the path to full recovery, discovering your own strength and resourcefulness in the process. Congratulations on continuing your education and proving to yourself that you are a whole and valuable person, with or without a partner. I'm sure that your children appreciate what a special mother they have.
Carol Grever