When a mixed-orientation pair decides to separate, the usual aftermath is a period of confusion and ambivalence. It is hard enough to make the decision to split, but just as hard to adjust to new realities. Once separated, how can the straight husband or wife create enough distance to allow letting go altogether? If the couple’s separation is abrupt and hostile, this question might not arise. But if there is still love between the two, especially if they have children to consider and protect, distancing becomes a dilemma.
Two conversations with straight spouses in the past weeks reiterated the problem. One mature gay man left his straight wife over a year ago, but they still reside in the same small town, she still lives in their old home, they see each other on the street, and her pool of grief is constantly replenished. She says she just can’t let go. In the other case, the couple’s separation happened just last month, and the two are co-parenting a son while living in adjacent apartments, desperately trying to keep their equilibrium. They still care about each other a great deal, but they both realize that their marriage must end because the husband has fallen in love with his male soul mate. The players in both of these poignant dramas are painfully confused by their conflicting emotions.
How can you let go of an intimate partner without blame or hatred? How can a friendship be salvaged from a broken marriage? It isn’t always possible, but it has been done by many who were willing to expend the necessary effort. The Straight Spouse Network released the following description of the process. It can be used as a guide to nurture a healthy relationship with a gay ex after divorce. This is how it looks to let go in a constructive way.
- To let go doesn't mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
- To let go is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I don't control another.
- To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
- To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
- To let go is not to try to change or blame another. I can only change myself.
- To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
- To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
- To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
- To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
- To let go is not to be protective. It is to permit another to face reality.
- To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
- To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
- To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
- To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
- To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
- To let go is to fear less and love more.
Adjusting to a new life after an emotional relationship ends is a process that takes time. There is a period of grief, as if after a death. The process must take its full course or it will reappear again later. Reconfiguring your future involves reaching out to new friends, developing new activities, and making many small changes in daily life. Change your makeup or haircut, rearrange the furniture, try new foods, experiment with different styles of clothing, develop a new interest or hobby. Such small adjustments may improve your mood and overall attitude toward the situation. But the tincture of time is the ultimate healer. Your sense of disruption will eventually fade as the new you emerges.
