Why did he marry me in the first place? How could I have been so blind? How could I not know she was lesbian? So many questions plague straight spouses
when gay mates come out. It’s easy to
blame ourselves: What’s wrong with
me? Did I cause this chameleon to change
colors? In reality, the gay spouse
usually experiences an evolution of self-recognition that may take years, and
it has nothing to do with the marital partner.
Understanding gay partners' psychological process helps straight spouses feel less disoriented and better able to cope with unexpected and puzzling behaviors. Homosexual Identity Formation, a theoretical model developed by Dr. Vivienne Cass (1979), helps explain the long period of internal conflict preceding most gays' self-recognition. Cass's six-stage formulation clarifies their process and helps explain the surprise and shock of their straight mates.
The first stage of identity
confusion begins with the awareness of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors
that feel incongruent with heterosexual identity. It is marked by inner turmoil and alienation
while the person tries to resolve sexual confusion in isolation. Two outcomes are possible in this early
stage. Inhibition and denial may bring
closure to the issue, or continued stress from the incongruent homosexual
manifestations force the individual into the second stage of identity comparison.
This
second stage involves exploration of differences between the individual and
others. Social alienation and feeling
out of place—not belonging—are common. Not wanting to be “different,” the gay spouse usually continues to pass
as heterosexual. While some feel good
about their growing awareness of homosexuality, others react with denial, more
intense heterosexual behavior, or by becoming asexual. Many devalue themselves and fall into a
pattern of self-hatred that, in extreme forms, may lead to suicide.
Tensions
of that second stage often lead into a third phase, identity tolerance. Here,
individuals view themselves as probably gay and begin contacting the homosexual
subculture. This contact alleviates
their feelings of isolation and alienation from homosexuality and they begin to
detach emotionally from their heterosexual relationships. This is when their straight spouses feel
growing separation and emotional distance.
Any
negative experiences with other gays during this exploration may feed
self-hatred and a desire to end homosexual impulses. However, if the initial experiences feel positive,
greater self-esteem and a sense of empowerment may follow. As contact with the homosexual community
increases, anxiety over possible discovery intensifies, along with attraction
toward the forbidden.
In the
fourth stage of identity acceptance,
identification with other homosexuals increases. The person’s sexual identity may be
selectively disclosed to heterosexuals who can be trusted to keep the
secret. This is an ambivalent and
difficult stage, with the gay spouse managing to fit in with both homosexual
and straight culture. Inner conflict
between the emerging identity and society’s rejection may lead to the next
stage, identity pride.
This
more aggressive stance values homosexual culture and devalues heterosexual
norms. There is anger about societal
limitations. Deepening commitment to gay
life in this stage often results in changes of job, marriage, or home. Destructive, impulsive actions may be
expected, as well as constructive activism on gay issues, such as AIDS
prevention and treatment.
As
attitudes settle, positive acceptance from members of the heterosexual
community can lead to the final, sixth stage of identity synthesis. Anger
and pride may remain, but they are tempered as the gay person experiences
similarities to straight individuals and differences from other homosexual
individuals. The person has a broader perspective that integrates the gay identity as one among other
important aspects of the self, and personal and public identities
synthesize.
This
whole evolution of gay self-identification deeply impacts family. During the first stages of identity
confusion, and comparison, your
gay partner may be emotionally suppressed, distant, depressed, needy, or
alternating between neediness and emotional distance. In identity
tolerance and acceptance, your
partner becomes more confident, but also increasingly detached. Growing involvement with the gay community
means increased absence from home. Your mate’s
life is split between two worlds, putting you both in the closet.
In
the fifth stage, identity pride, expect dramatic, impulsive, abrupt
changes, as your partner shifts to the extreme of a gay lifestyle. You will probably experience rejection, but
it has little to do you personally. This
is not your fault.
If
the gay mate moves on to the final stage of identity synthesis, chances are that a
balanced, friendly relationship can eventually be salvaged. This is not a speedy process. A perplexed and conflicted individual may be
confused about sexual identity for years and may never experience all of these
stages. But Cass’s model helps to
clarify the theoretical journey and may help you understand your own history as
a straight spouse.
Awareness
of Cass’s six stage process can facilitate healing and peace of mind for all
involved. When a gay husband or lesbian
wife can be recognized as evolving through their own stages of self-awareness,
it is much easier to blame no one and to move more freely into a reconfigured future.
Does
this model fit your experience as a straight spouse? I’m interested in your journey and would
welcome your email. CG
