LEGALIZE SAME-SEX MARRIAGE? A STRAIGHT SPOUSE PERSPECTIVE

October 16th, 2012 by Carol Grever

    I received an email this week from a woman whose
story gave me chills.  It was a close
parallel of my own experience in discovering my husband’s homosexuality:  Thirty years of marriage, grown children, a
secret bank account to assure his separate financial ease, withdrawal from sex
and affection, mysterious absences, and on and on.  It was like reading again the first chapter
of My Husband Is Gay!  And it was an emotional reminder that the
straight spouse saga continues for millions of people even now. 

     Why does this keep happening?  One obvious reason is remaining societal
pressure to hide homosexual orientation—to pretend to be straight and to carry
that pretense into marriage with an unsuspecting partner.  Until gays no longer fear “being found out,”
until their careers are no longer threatened, until their families  and churches accept them for who they really
are, mixed-orientation relationships will continue to be consummated—usually
headed toward heartbreak and dissolution. 
I have heard it countless times from married gays:  “I played the role as long as I could, as
long as I could stand to live that lie.” 
When that breaking point is reached, the marriage contract is breached,
and everyone involved suffers.

    If same-sex marriage were legalized and socially
accepted, there would be no need for anyone to hide his or her sexual
orientation and a possible end to the straight spouse calamity.  That’s why the Straight Spouse Network and
other peer support organizations urge legalization.  In the upcoming U.S. election, this debate has
utterly polarized the population.  Half a
dozen states and the District of Columbia have already legalized gay marriage,
giving a hint of hope for broader acceptance and change.  The fact that the issue is in the national
conversation at all is a sign of progress.

    Presidential candidates are on opposite poles
here.  Barack Obama supports legal
recognition of same-sex marriage, as decided by states.  Mitt Romney says it should be banned completely
with an amendment to the U.S. Constitution. 
In Maine, Maryland, and the state of Washington, voters will decide
whether to legalize gay marriage. Residents of four additional states will vote
this November on related questions.  But
strong resistance is still apparent: 
Minnesota voters will decide whether to ban gay marriage in their state constitution, as 30 other states
have already done.

    Growing acknowledgement that our sexual
orientation is not a “choice,” that it is inborn and irreversible, is a
positive sign.  But the ultimate goal of
tolerance and acceptance of all sexual identities is yet unattained; witness
the persistent advocacy of psychologically damaging “reparative” or “gay
conversion therapy.”  Overwhelming
societal prejudice continues to push gay people to marry heterosexual partners out
of fear and shame. 

    I believe that few gay people enter marriage with
the cynical intention of hurting their mates. 
In fact, I think that the opposite is true.  They may marry for love with a misguided wish
to change their orientation; they may want children of their own; they may be
supporting an ambitious career; they may have conservative religious prescriptions
or strong family pressures.  These and
other factors affect a gay person’s decision to marry a straight mate.  However, for all but a small fraction of
couples, none of these reasons will sustain the marriage over a lifetime.  Sooner or later, cracks appear in the
previously impervious intentions.  The
marriage fails.

    One phrase from last week’s email stays with
me:  “I feel like he died, the man that I
thought I married.”  This is the poignant
result of decades of lies.  While every
straight spouse message I receive is different in details, all are the same in
one respect.  These mixed relationships
are built upon a basic untruth, a denial of one partner’s sexual reality.  When that denial crumbles, the world falls apart
for the straight spouse. My response to that distraught woman was
familiar:  “This is not your fault and
you are not responsible for what he has done. 
You are also not alone!  We are
like millions of others whose trust has been broken by a gay mate.” 

    Though it’s hard to find a bright spot in the
midst of such crisis, experience proves that survival and a happier future are
possible.  Society is slowly progressing
toward more enlightened acceptance and straight spouses do have increased
resources for recovery through the Internet and a widening range of therapeutic
tools.  Even in the darkness of despair, one
can still see the stars.

 

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ENCOURAGEMENT MY MISSION

July 17th, 2012 by Carol Grever

“I was numb and reeling upon my discovery that my husband of 30 years is gay.  I have three children with him . . .”

“My wife is in love with another woman . . .”

“I ‘outed’ my husband last month, after I discovered a string of emails he had written in response to several gay personal ads. . .”

Every week there are emails like this in my inbox, yesterday one from a woman in South Africa.  Responding to each one, I understand that I’ve been on a mission for more than a decade, ever since my first book was published, to deliver a simple message:  You are not alone and you can overcome this seeming disaster.  Because the Internet provides opportunity to connect worldwide in personal ways, this work remains viable.

My own husband acknowledged that he had “homosexual tendencies” after we had been married for many years.  As his story unfolded, I learned that he had acted on those “tendencies” during most of our marriage.  He left no clues and I suspected nothing, though I had been at risk from his behavior for decades.  I spent months feeling somehow responsible for my husband’s homosexuality.  I felt deficient as a wife, as a woman, and my self-esteem plummeted.  Moreover, I felt really stupid, not to have “gotten it” sooner.  Hoping to salvage our marriage, I shared his closet of secrecy for much too long. 

If I had known then what I know now, I would have realized that he had always been homosexual and that his sexual orientation had nothing to do with me at all.  I wasn’t blind or stupid; I was deceived by his facile lies and hidden truth.  If I had been more knowledgeable at the time, I wouldn’t have blamed myself, nor would I have tried to save my marriage.  Instead, I would have put all that energy into building a new identity and future. 

It was this personal history that launched my writing and informal counseling vocation.  As I struggled through my own confusion, anger, depression, grief, and all the other stages of coping, I kept a journal of my feelings and experiences.  The journal informed my first book, My Husband Is Gay.  The singular purpose of all my books, documentary DVD, Website and blog is to help straight spouses reconfigure their lives in a positive, healthy way and to realize that this one life event need not destroy their future happiness.      

Looking back, I honestly have no regrets.  The entire experience supplied the healing lessons in my books and gave these subsequent years constructive direction and purpose.  My former husband and I are both happier now, both remarried to wonderful men, and both free to be completely authentic.  If my life had not taken this unexpected turn, I would probably not have pursued my life-long dream of being a writer. 

If I have one message to shout to the world, it is this.  Living a lie is hell.  Hiding one’s true identity is a recipe for disaster for all involved, and the longer it takes for the truth to come out, the worse the outcome. 

Sam, a gay man who appears in my documentary, One Gay, One Straight: Complicated Marriages, stressed the imperative for honesty.  He had told his wife that he didn’t love her anymore because he couldn’t make himself say, “I’m gay.”  This lie was more devastating to her than the facts.  When he finally came out to his wife and their son, the fifteen-year-old replied, "It's OK, Dad, I still love you."  Sam concluded that to be open and honest is better for everyone.  I agree. 

Every straight spouse feels unique, but there are millions of us in the world.  Fortunately, there is help at hand on the Internet and in well-researched books and videos.  Though it may feel as if you’re the only person who has ever suffered in this way, remember that others have survived the crisis to eventually thrive in unexpected ways.  My mission to help straight spouses reclaim their self-esteem continues.

 

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NEW PUBLICATIONS BOOST UNDERSTANDING

June 12th, 2012 by Carol Grever

    Since starting this blog in 2008, I’ve received many notes of gratitude from straight spouses who had previously felt isolated, lacking connection with others who understood their predicament.  Until recently, little serious literature was available for mixed-orientation couples.  Now two new resources offer credible research and insight into the particular challenges of these families.

    Routledge, an imprint of Taylor & Francis, has published both a long-awaited book on the subject and a special issue of their Journal of GLBT Family Studies (Vol. 8, Issue 1, 2012).  Both are excellent resources for mixed-orientation couples and their families.  I was privileged to contribute the sections on straight spouse issues in both of these new publications.

    The Handbook of LGBT-Affirmative Couple and Family Therapy is the first book of its kind, aimed primarily at professional counselors and therapists who work with this population.  It emphasizes best practices and lists useful references to suggest further reading on related subjects.  My contribution to the book, Chapter 17, reviews clinical issues, stages of recovery, counseling options, and characteristics of effective therapy specifically for straight spouses. 

    The publisher notes, “Because of the breadth of the book, its specificity, and the expertise of the contributing authors and editors, it is the definitive handbook on LGBT couple and family therapy.” To learn more about this groundbreaking book, go to:  http://www.tandfonline.com/loi/wgfs20 

    The special issue of the journal is called Mixed-Orientation Marriages: Challenges of Individual Spouses and GLB-Straight Couples in Diverse Contexts.  My article is “Unintended Consequences: Unique Issues of Female Straight Spouses.”  It is specific to these women who are often marginalized and misunderstood—the “collateral damage” when a gay husband comes out.  The article can be found at http://www.tandfonline.com/loi/wgfs20

    Both of my contributions to these new resources are based on direct interviews and correspondence with hundreds of straight spouses over a 15-year period. They explore common elements of their experience, including immediate personal challenges, recurring risks, and long-term obstacles.  They are meant to provide deeper understanding of the unique challenges of straight spouses.     

    It is important to note that one particular advocate is largely responsible for pushing these two significant scholarly projects to completion.  Dr. Jerry J. Bigner initiated serious studies of gay-straight issues in his role as a professor at Colorado State University and he continued exceptional leadership in LGBT scholarship even after his retirement from teaching.  He edited both the Journal of GLBT Family Studies and the Handbook of LGBT-Affirmative Couple and Family Therapy.  Through his whole career, he mentored writers on these subjects, myself included. 

    Jerry’s sudden untimely death was the only thing that could stop his passion for teaching about the realities of families with gay members.  The handbook for counselors was his last project and he died during the final revisions of the manuscript.  The finished book is dedicated to him.  The dedication ends, “This book is one more addition to his legacy.  May it serve as one of many tributes to his life and all he stood for.  Heaven is where all humans are equally accepted and valued.” Jerry was my good friend, sorely missed, but his work will continue to spread hope among people he understood so well. 

Here's to good reading!

Carol

 

 

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CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED?

February 27th, 2012 by Carol Grever

Most of the straight spouses who visit this site are women whose husbands have become involved with another man.  Their challenges have become somewhat familiar.  But a new question is raised in this recent letter. 

My wife of 20 years recently had an affair with another woman and after separating for a couple of months has returned at my urging to seek couples therapy.  I’ve been reading a lot about sexual fluidity in women and that their preferences can switch back and forth, yet it’s very difficult to find any stories where that has actually happened.  I know right now that my wife has no feelings of intimacy towards me. She says she does not know if she’s gay or straight, but right now if I had to label her I would say she is gay.  However we get along very well, communicate openly and do love each other.  We both hope that at some point her sexual preferences may evolve so that we can be intimate again.  It’s hard to find stories about women who were gay, had no interest in men, and then became interested and lived happily married straight lives.  I have found a few, but it occurs to me that if this happened to you, you certainly wouldn’t want to advertise it.  I’m guessing that most women in my wife’s position would stay in the closet if her feelings evolved and she became sexually attracted to men again.  My question for you is do you believe in sexual fluidity in women and how often do you see cases where a gay wife of a straight man has here sexual preferences evolve to where she can again have intimate relations with her husband?  I need to know if we are both just grasping at straws or there is a possibility that her sexual preferences can change again.

A foundational assumption in most research on human sexuality is that sexual orientation is inborn and fixed--stable from birth to death.  Some recent studies have begun to raise questions about changing patterns of same-sex and other-sex behavior, particularly among women. 

Switching sexual identification is disproportionately prevalent in women, according to Lisa M. Diamond, author of Sexual Fluidity (Harvard University Press, 2008).  Same-sex or other-sex attraction may be context-dependent--fluid rather than fixed, as these women move through different stages of life and changing social groups.  A case in point is actress Anne Heche, who partnered with lesbian comedian Ellen De Generes, having had no previous same-sex relationship.  That relationship ended after two years and Anne then married a man.  Another well known example is feminist folk singer, Holly Near, who fell in love with a man after decades as an open lesbian.  Current slang also reflects changing patterns of same-sex and other-sex behavior:  LUG (lesbian until graduation), has-bian and heteroflexibility.

Variation in women’s erotic feelings is, as yet, poorly understood.  According to Diamond, previous studies that concluded that sexual orientation is absolutely fixed examined male experience which may also be culturally specific.  In her book, first person accounts tracking 100 women from adolescence into adulthood offer a different possibility.  Sexual fluidity is succinctly defined in the title of Chapter 6: “Attractions to “The Person, Not the Gender.”  Though no firm conclusions can be reached from a relatively small sample, Diamond raises provocative questions. 

My correspondent on this issue asked for guidance on the dilemma he and his wife face.  Basically, his question is whether lasting reconciliation is possible.  Perhaps you have experience that could be useful.  Please post a comment if you have relevant insights.

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ENDINGS AS BEGINNINGS

December 20th, 2011 by Carol Grever

A few weeks ago, I took a hard fall on the ice, damaging my left shoulder.  The injury was worse than I first imagined and I have had to take an extended leave from a job I dearly love, teaching fitness to seniors at the YMCA.  I’ve led challenging fitness classes there for nearly 13 years, and now I’m unable to perform, much less teach, weight lifting, yoga, and other stretching and strength training exercises.  To say that I “can’t” is hard for me.  It’s a loss, at least for now. 

But this example is minor, compared with life’s really big endings—loss of a loved one, divorce, financial ruin, termination of a job, foreclosure on a home, alienation of a child, eventually one’s own death.  The loss that you faced when your spouse came out is certainly one of these major, destabilizing changes.  However, the ensuing chaos can be the beginning of an even better way of life.

When my father died in 1991 after years of fighting leukemia, the whole family expected my mother to fold.  For more than 50 years she and my dad had enjoyed real marital bliss—they were closer and more loving than any couple I’ve ever known.  We thought mother could not survive alone.  To eveyone’s surprise, she did.  In fact, she recovered her balance and started over.  Apparently, during the years she’d nursed my dad, she was preparing herself for survival.  She made a plan.  Within weeks after the funeral, she began to explore opportunities in their little town that had gone unnoticed before.  She read voraciously—a hundred books in the following year.  She attended library lectures and joined two card groups, volunteered, and made day trips with new friends she met at the senior center.  In short, she reconfigured her life to be as rewarding as possible—despite her grief and loss.  A little stained glass saying hangs in her window:  “Every ending a new beginning.”  She modeled that for me.

As this New Year unfolds, we will experience painful endings.  What once served us may no longer fit.  Change will happen in inner and outer circumstances.  We will have to adjust to losses.  We may have to start over in a whole new direction, as my mother did.  This is not a bad thing.  It is a growing experience.  In the words of Eckhart Tolle, famed author of The Power of Now, “If you can learn to accept and even welcome the endings in your life, you may find that the feeling of emptiness that initially felt uncomfortable turns into a sense of inner spaciousness that is deeply peaceful.” 

I wish you this peace!

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THE ART OF LETTING GO

October 6th, 2011 by Carol Grever

Cheryl was married to Joe for 15 years when she stumbled onto evidence of  homosexual liaisons on their home computer.  Stunned, she couldn’t believe that he had been arranging meetings with various men for months, but a deeper look at his emails and internet history made it undeniable. 

Cheryl confronted Joe directly and he seemed almost relieved to admit his secret activities that had gone on for more than four years.  His clandestine meetings with other gay men had gone beyond superficial sex and he was deeply involved with another man.  For weeks Joe had wrestled with plans to come out to his wife and say that he wanted to leave her.  Clues he’d left on the computer were not entirely accidental.

The two subsequently separated.  During the following months Cheryl tried to reconcile herself to her new single life, alone in an apartment, trying to pick up the pieces of her shattered confidence.  She couldn’t help wondering what Joe was doing, how he and his new boyfriend were getting on.  She couldn’t forget happy times she and Joe had shared, though she tried to stop remembering.  She knew they couldn't recover their marriage, which was irretrievably broken, but she and Joe had a long history together and she still felt tied to him. 

Cheryl’s challenge was to make a clean break -- first to grasp the fact that her marriage was over, and then to distance herself enough to recover.

Stories like these are common.  It seems particularly difficult for women to let go of their emotional ties after a separation.  What does it mean “to let go” anyway?  When a gay-straight relationship ends, the best definitions of this stage of recovery come from straight spouses themselves.  Here are some suggestions from the Straight Spouse Network, gathered from people who have moved through their conflict.

Letting Go

  • To let go doesn't mean to stop caring.  It means I can't do it for someone else.
  • To let go is not to cut myself off.  It's the realization that I don't control another.
  • To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
  • To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
  • To let go is not to try to change or blame another.  I can only change myself.
  • To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
  • To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
  • To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
  • To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
  • To let go is not to be protective.  It is to permit another to face reality.
  • To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
  • To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
  • To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it  comes and to cherish the moment.
  • To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
  • To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
  • To let go is to fear less and love more.

How these definitions might apply to a particular situation depends upon the individuals’ interpretation, but the principles are sound.  These definitions point to one conclusion:  The only factor we can control is our own mind.  Change your mind and you change your life.

Cheryl managed to pick herself up by starting with small adjustments in her daily routines.  She painted the walls of her new apartment her favorite color, light sage green.  Living in a different neighborhood, she shopped at a new grocery and found a choice coffee shop in easy walking distance.  She joined a fitness class and got acquainted with a whole new group.  She stopped talking about Joe to her old friends and made a conscious effort to live in the present moment, not looking back.  She even adopted a fresh hairstyle and a more casual, comfortable way to dress.  In short, Cheryl recreated herself and reconfigured her life as a single woman.  She is moving on!

Singer Lena Horne famously said, “It’s not the load that breaks you down.  It’s how you carry it.”  That concept applies perfectly to Cheryl and other straight spouses who have conquered their grief and fears to thrive in a new way.  Letting go is the first step.

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REALITY TOO DEEP FOR SIT-COM

July 8th, 2011 by Carol Grever

The summer premier of a new television situation comedy, “Happily Divorced,” arouses mixed emotions, particularly for straight spouses.  Fran Drescher, formerly of “The Nanny,” stars as a florist married 18 years to her real estate agent husband, Peter, who “thinks he might be gay.”  After he comes out in the first episode, their story will unfold as they remain in the same household, each pursuing social and sexual happiness with others. 

Rooted in Drescher’s actual experience with her high school sweetheart and former husband, Peter Marc Jacobson, the series could possibly offer genuine insight into the dilemma faced by mixed-orientation couples.  But the sit-com format makes that possibility remote--even though the two main characters are named Fran and Peter and the series concept is drawn from their history together.  What the series cannot express adequately is the pain of years of loss, grief, therapy, and healing that such couples endure in real life. 

Even with the limitations of TV comedy, it is interesting that these former spouses have reached an understanding which allows them to continue to work together as creative partners, though they are now divorced and living separate lives—she as a single woman and he as a gay man. 

It is impossible to depict in any comedy the searing drama of a partner’s coming out within a marriage.  That just isn’t funny!  Even with an amicable divorce or some alternative agreement that keeps the spouses uneasily together, the reality is not the material of jollity.  The best outcome after healing (often years later) is continuing friendship and an occasional wry smile about some of the ironic details.  Raucous laughter about it is rare indeed.

Reading the Los Angeles Times’ review of the sit-com’s pilot gives faint hope that the new series will delve beyond the superficial:  “Peter’s gayness is composed of gags about shaving chest hair, wanting to move to West Hollywood … and how Fran and he both like men.”  As anyone who has lived through the pain of a coming-out event, there is a lot more to talk about—like reconstructing a meaningful future for both partners. 

Surprisingly, there is an element of hope and good news here.  That is the fact that mainstream culture is becoming more aware of mixed-orientation marriages.  Shows like these offer the public a small glimpse at their aftermath.  Perhaps it is a sign of societal advancement that coming out within marriage may be material for affectionate comedy instead of grim tragedy.  However, those of us who have lived through the entire experience—from the shock of discovery through many hard-won stages of recovery and rebuilding--know that this is just not funny. 

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FINALLY OUT Encourages Understanding

June 13th, 2011 by Carol Grever

Many readers of this Web site are mature women, long-married, whose husbands have come out in mid-life or later.  Most have been utterly unaware and shocked by the disclosure. 

They ask, “Why did he marry me?  Was my whole marriage a sham, a lie?   Why do so many men come out after having families?  How could they not know they’re gay until they’ve entangled their wives in this traumatic dilemma?”

Such questions come up repeatedly, particularly from women whose husbands suddenly identified as homosexual after decades of marriage.  Until now, almost nothing has been written about this common occurrence.  But a new book offers well-researched, scientific and definitive answers, along with the author’s personal experience in the situation.

Dr. Loren A. Olson, author of Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, is a gay psychiatrist, father and grandfather, who came out at age 40.  Having both personal and professional knowledge of the hidden population of gay, married men, he writes with authority about evolving sexual identification—his own and that of his patients and friends.  He has presented his research on mature gay men at the World Congress of Psychiatry in Prague and has received other professional recognition.  He is a recognized expert in his field.

His new book is obviously educational for gay men attempting to live straight lives while struggling with their sexual identity.  But for straight spouses, Finally Out offers a foundation for forgiveness and understanding of our gay husbands.  Having this information can lead to the final phase of straight spouse recovery: Forgiveness.  In the blog entry “Stages of Recovery” (May 28, 2008), I wrote about our journey toward wholeness:   

Fortunately, most spouses reach a turning point, finding inner strength to begin healing.  This usually happens when they accept what they cannot change . . . .  When anger is replaced by forgiveness, trust and hope can be restored.  . . .  When they regard the whole experience as a teacher, not a disaster, they are able to move into the next phase of their lives, reconfiguring a happier future. 

Finally Out will appeal to diverse audiences:  mature gays, their wives and families, academics, and medical professionals.  It is a valuable addition to the literature on human sexuality, written in an accessible, personal way.  Dr. Olson’s informative book could become a key turning point to complete your healing as a straight spouse.  I highly recommend it.

 

 

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ADDICTIONS COMPLICATE STRAIGHT SPOUSE DILEMMA

April 23rd, 2011 by Carol Grever

The complexities of a mixed-orientation marriage increase exponentially when one or both partners suffer addictions.  A recent email from a straight spouse highlighted this multi-layered affliction.  Here is an excerpt from her message.

My husband and I met over 13 years ago. . . . Twelve years later he came out to me and to many acquaintances.  At first I did not see how it could change what we had.  Now that he has been out for a few months, I am having difficulty coping with my feelings.  We still love each other, but I have lost my trust in him . . . .  I feel all alone.  We both suffer from alcoholism and drug addiction.  We have over six months of recovery and are active members of AA.  That is why this all came up.  My husband was working on clearing the wreckage of his past, and his true self came to the surface. 

Addictions themselves add enormous difficulty to the problems of a coming-out event.  Two major life changes are happening at once—getting sober and revealing one’s true sexual identity.  The entire family is affected by both challenges.  While the12-Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous has effectively helped millions recover from dependence on alcohol and drugs, working through the steps transforms people in fundamental ways.  They set out to conquer their addiction, but in the process they alter their ideals, standards, and daily life.  An elemental shift is happening, whether it is the gay or the straight partner engaged in the AA program. 

These psychic alterations further complicate their marital dilemma.  For example, AA’s Step 4 requires a deep and fearless moral inventory of character defects and wrongs done.  Step 5 demands openly admitting those wrongs to a neutral party.  Steps 8 and 9 require making amends to anyone harmed by earlier actions.  People spend months or years occupied with these steps toward sober living. 

The drama is even more complicated when both partners are in AA.  If they both fully participate in the 12-Step program, each understands the transformational process.  But if only one partner experiences this psychic shift, the mate’s alienation increases.  The chasm widens and the probability of saving their marriage diminishes even further.  Still, the indisputable benefits of overcoming a drug and/or alcohol addiction make recovery efforts intrinsically worthwhile. 

Perceived dangers to a rocky mixed-orientation marriage should not deter an alcoholic from joining AA.  Day by day, recovering addicts and alcoholics reconfigure their very lives.  Sincere adherence to AA’s 12 Steps can lead to freedom from addiction, while simultaneously mapping a very different life path.  The work involves total honesty around self-centeredness, resentments, fear, and sexual behavior.  A spiritual awakening often occurs as a person’s “Higher Power” is identified.  Viewpoint, values, and lifestyle all drastically change.  Lies and secrecy are no longer tolerated.  Minds are clear, not muddled by chemicals.  Ongoing personal assessments fuel even more change. 

At best, compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, and humanitarian service are evidence of the personal growth encouraged by AA.  The downside is that the partners may grow in different directions and recovery from addiction becomes another catalyst to separate.  However, statistically, these gay-straight relationships have less than a 15% chance of survival under any circumstances, even if addiction is not present.  The most positive conclusion, of course, is to have both partners living the life they choose, clean and sober, productive and proud, whether gay or straight, single or together.   

 

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THERE GOES THE BRIDE: How to Let Go

February 3rd, 2011 by Carol Grever

When a mixed-orientation pair decides to separate, the usual aftermath is a period of confusion and ambivalence.  It is hard enough to make the decision to split, but just as hard to adjust to new realities.  Once separated, how can the straight husband or wife create enough distance to allow letting go altogether?  If the couple’s separation is abrupt and hostile, this question might not arise.  But if there is still love between the two, especially if they have children to consider and protect, distancing becomes a dilemma.   

Two conversations with straight spouses in the past weeks reiterated the problem.  One mature gay man left his straight wife over a year ago, but they still reside in the same small town, she still lives in their old home, they see each other on the street, and her pool of grief is constantly replenished.  She says she just can’t let go.  In the other case, the couple’s separation happened just last month, and the two are co-parenting a son while living in adjacent apartments, desperately trying to keep their equilibrium.  They still care about each other a great deal, but they both realize that their marriage must end because the husband has fallen in love with his male soul mate.  The players in both of these poignant dramas are painfully confused by their conflicting emotions.

How can you let go of an intimate partner without blame or hatred?  How can a friendship be salvaged from a broken marriage?  It isn’t always possible, but it has been done by many who were willing to expend the necessary effort.  The Straight Spouse Network released the following description of the process.  It can be used as a guide to nurture a healthy relationship with a gay ex after divorce.  This is how it looks to let go in a constructive way.

  • To let go doesn't mean to stop caring.  It means I can't do it for someone else.
  • To let go is not to cut myself off.  It's the realization that I don't control another.
  • To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
  • To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
  • To let go is not to try to change or blame another.  I can only change myself.
  • To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
  • To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
  • To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
  • To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
  • To let go is not to be protective.  It is to permit another to face reality.
  • To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
  • To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
  • To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment. 
  • To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.  
  • To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
  • To let go is to fear less and love more.

Adjusting to a new life after an emotional relationship ends is a process that takes time.  There is a period of grief, as if after a death.  The process must take its full course or it will reappear again later.  Reconfiguring your future involves reaching out to new friends, developing new activities, and making many small changes in daily life.  Change your makeup or haircut, rearrange the furniture, try new foods, experiment with different styles of clothing, develop a new interest or hobby.  Such small adjustments may improve your mood and overall attitude toward the situation.  But the tincture of time is the ultimate healer.  Your sense of disruption will eventually fade as the new you emerges. 

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