A recent email from a male straight spouse was
critical of my approach to straight spouse recovery, calling it “one-sided” and
unnecessary. He suggested that I let my
blog go and “get over it.” It was a
suggestion worth considering. It also challenged
me to evaluate this site that I launched in 2008 with a post titled “Why I
Care.”
My stated purpose in that first
post was “to explore topics relevant to mixed orientation families and
particularly to other straight spouses.”
For five years I have tried to stay true to that purpose. But is this work no longer needed? I pondered that for several days and honestly
thought about shutting the blog down.
Then I received another email that encouraged continuation of my work. Here is the text of that second message:
It
was five years ago that I contacted you after reading your books. My husband of 40+ years told me he is gay and
had left me. You encouraged me that,
yes, I could get through that terrible time.
I had hoped because of our long history we could continue a semblance of
a relationship, but it was not to be.
You
may not remember our conversation, but I do, distinctly. You said that time would heal many of the
wounds that had been inflicted--and you were correct. There were many sleepless nights, days filled
with tears, and friendships strained by my grief. It was like someone died. He was the love of my life and I couldn't
imagine or take it in that he was "dumping" me.
Well,
5 years have gone by--hard for me to think about it. And I was recently married to a man who also
lives in my home town. We met 3 years
ago and despite all odds, we have found happiness together. His wife died of cancer about 5 years
ago. So we both came to the relationship
with some "baggage" that we have had to deal with. Friends and family are happy for us and we
are happy for ourselves!
I
just wanted to update you on my situation and THANK YOU for your wonderful
advice and for writing the books! My mom
always said that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and I'd
have to say she was right. There were
times that I was at the brink of desperation, but now I have come out of the
darkness and am a stronger person.
M.I.,
Colorado, USA
Still another message sealed my decision to keep
offering my “one-sided” conviction that people can overcome the sadness of a
spouse coming out and, with time and patience, can reconfigure a rewarding new
life. Helen, a recovered straight
spouse, wrote
When I
was a counselor at an Episcopal summer camp, the bishop came to speak to the
campers about their direction in life. He brought the term
"calling" or "vocation" into my awareness in a way
that I had never before considered. He explained that we can find
our true "vocation" if we look for the point at which our
greatest talent and the world's greatest need intersect.
Since
I’m a writer and since I have first-hand knowledge of the journey of a straight
spouse, and since there is obvious ongoing need for information about meeting this challenge—I suppose that I am actually engaged in my true vocation by
Helen’s definition. On my desk, a small
plaque helps me focus:
Let your work be in keeping with
your purpose. -–Leonardo da Vinci
After taking into account all the feedback I've received recently, it
is my intention to continue my work as long as there is clear need. It is my fervent hope that changing attitudes
about gay marriage will reverse the tide of mixed-orientation marriages and
there will no longer be any need for this calling,
but I’ll continue as long as I am contacted for help by men and women who
discover that they are straight spouses.
I
respectfully request your comments, negative or positive, on the value of this
blog. Thank you!
Carol
Grever